I’ve moved on.
[ 12:33 am ]
It appears to me that since the start of this new year of 2014, the hot topic is the whole ordeal concerning masculinity and femininity.
I *think* i’m having to re-walk in footsteps of the past, when at university, (was it the 1st 2nd or 3rd year?) where I learnt a lot about it, and now i’m relearning.
I’ve had some very interesting conversations with friends here and there, with the likes of females and their unspoken rules of why we buy clothes (why, usually a girl WOULD go out and buy clothes for an event of some sort….) I’ve had some interesting discussions about makeup and beauty. I’ve discussed the value of money regarding beauty maintenance. I’ve had to delve upon inner beauty with some young teenage girls…. scrutinize magazines with them, discuss shaving legs, makeup and insecurities.
And while it’s not just heavy on the female side, I’ve had to sit through some manly times, dealing with men and their pride issues, working in a male-dominated environment [at times], or just appreciate manly-man films for all it’s worth.
I’m enjoying this trip of rediscovering genders. And I’m appreciating it so much more, second time round.
[ 1:08am ]
I remember when I used to play The Sims. I really liked that game. I went through a Sims 1, Sims 2 and Sims 3 phase.
One of the things I particularly liked was developing the friendships. The sims themselves would have to bond and spend time connecting with other sims.
And it was always fun to have people start to develop something beyond friendship, something more…. clicking the options from “Chat” “Tell joke” “Hang out” “Hug” “Give back rub” “Flirt” to “Kiss” “Propose” all the way to “Woo Hoo!”
But one of the really interesting things about the sims was how each character had a different personality profile.
It was interesting reading what each sim had a like or dislike towards. What interests them, and what doesn’t. And when in conversation with other sims, the speech bubble would show signs of their likes and dislikes, the picture with maybe a heart over it, or perhaps a massive cross over it.
What was even more interesting was discovering a detailed bio of their personality profiles. Such as, “likes UFOs, likes Politics… likes art…”
Is it bad of me to think like that when I meet someone? I try and figure out what their personality profile is like, their likes and dislikes. Perhaps it isn’t so bad. That’s just human interaction I guess.
But is it bad that I sometimes picture their profile the same as it is on The Sims? I guess it doesn’t hurt, because it helps me remember? after all, I love lists!
Anyway. Completely random ramblings here.
I miss playing the sims…
[ 6:17pm ]
It’s been a while. It really has.
I like to think since the past months have flown by, I’ve gained a sea of experiences, a whole trunk of knowledge, a whole wardrobe of wisdom. No. I don’t think so.
I do know, I need to get back into the habit of picking up books. Not chick-lit. Things that will bring nourishment to my soul. Things that will stimulate my brain-cells. I need to train myself to get back in the game. I know for a fact I need to broaden my horizons, and not be stuck in my old ways.
Currently, I’m at a crossroads. I’m waiting for direction again. This journey called life is a never ending path. And though I constantly find myself at crossroads, I know I need to wait upon the Lord.
There simply is no other way to deal with it, but to wait and trust the Lord. He has affirmed it plenty of times.
But while I wait, I’ll keep meditating on John 3:30 “He must increase. I must decrease.”
[ 5:53 pm ]
Will you still love me, when I’m no longer young and beautiful? ~Lana Del Ray
So I had my hair cut again. Hurray.
There’s more to it. I’ll donate the hair and wish it on it’s merry way, in hope it can cheer a girl up who has lost all her hair.
It’s a bit short, but it’s growing on me. And I know in time it’ll grow out too. So it should be fine.
Took a while to surrender the hair, but I’m glad what’s done is done now.
Everytime I look in the mirror I am reminded of this. And it’s a good thing. A really good thing.
[ 7:24pm ]
I don’t really like to play chess. In fact, I’m rubbish at it. Really bad. I have a bad time predicting how the next move will turn out. I’m terrible at strategizing. I’m terrible at seeing strategy. I’m an all rounded amateur chess-player. I guess I don’t play chess enough. And nobody wants to play with a rubbish player.
Usually I just pretend I’m good. Or I don’t say anything. And when my pawns get taken, and all my important ones, like my knights, bishops and at some point, well usually pretty early on in the game, my Queen; I just want to give up.
And I usually surrender. Because I just can’t play. Or I don’t bother trying anymore.
Recently I have thought about my non-existent chess-playing-abilities in comparison to life in general.
I’ve done my move. I’m waiting for the other person to make their move.
They make their move, and I’m like wow, good move.
I make my move which then ends up being a rubbish move and I suffer the consequences.
They make another smart move.
I respond with an awful move that I wish I hadn’t made.
And in life, just like in chess, one thing I’ve discovered is that the other person moves so well.
Like they communicate really well, their responses are well thought out. And me? Not so well. Hmm.
Ok, in life it can be during debates, discussions, random exchanges of musings. Heated topics. Whatever.
I’m rubbish. I don’t know how to handle it. And what do I do, like what I do in chess? I have a tendency to want to withdraw. To surrender. To give up.
Sure, it’s bad to think of life / communication as a game of chess. And sure, as Christians we shouldn’t be thinking of life, or even the people you’re communicating with as if you have an opponent to attack, to view the opposition as a threat to you or your kind. But it sometimes feels like that.
I think I just lack wisdom in so many, so many ways. It’s sad that I can’t even comprehend what the next move will be, yet the other person can see the second, third, fourth move. What’s even sad is that they are so smart they can predict my moves. I’m that predictable. I’m that unwise. A fool? Perhaps.
I’m getting tired of playing chess, and I wouldn’t mind sticking up the white flag. I should just surrender and be their pawn for the rest of my life.
Story of my life.
[ 2:02am ]
I like this quote:
Certainly an abundance of theory and research has shown that relationships, particularly in their early stages, are driven by a need to reduce uncertainty. . . . But too much certainty can produce boredom, mundane interaction, and a lack of spontaneity and adventure . . . Relationships are energized by cognitive uncertainty, a state that produces arousal and enhances feelings of emotion. But too much uncertainty is frightening, and too much spontaneity and arousal can easily become fear or stress. Cognitively and emotionally we walk a fine line in our relationships between stressful excitement and boring predictability. -Peter A. Andersen (1993)
[ 8:28pm ]
Nice is an interesting word. Other synonyms can also include: agreeable, pleasing, delightful, pleasant, kind.
It’s nice to be called nice. Or kind. Or delightful.
I once had a friend called Nice. She was only nice to those she liked. Very selective really. I just so happened to be in that party she presented her niceness to. I guess it’s because I was nice to her when I first met her.
But that’s it right? It’s easy to be nice to those who are nice. But how hard is it to be nice to those who aren’t agreeable, who are displeasing, those who aren’t pleasant or kind? Hmmm.
Food for thought.
[ 8:45 am ]
History keeps repeating itself. In so many, so many ways.
And the exact phrase I want to shout out is this:
[ 01:04 am ]
I know, I know. I know what you must be thinking, you’re thinking who am I to write to you and say these things. Maybe because it’s rich coming from me? Perhaps. But hear me out.
Escaping isn’t the best solution to the problem. Sure you’re tempted to call quits and leave. Take off and run away. As fast as you can from your problems. Are you scared? Perhaps. Is it making you down? Perhaps. Is it just plain ugly? This process we call life? Perhaps.
We need to learn, we really do. And these tests don’t come easy. Yes it seems like you keep re-sitting these tests. You thought you had been through it last time, and the other last time, and the time before the last last time. Maybe God isn’t through with you re-sitting? Or maybe there is more to be tested on?
Don’t try and escape. Don’t be a chicken and stick a white flag up in cowardly defeat. You need to fight on. You need to toughen up. Yes, you might have fallen flat on your face and you’re hurting, but pick yourself up and try again, dust yourself off and try again. And you’ll learn. Or will continue to keep learning about this process. Please don’t do anything you’ll regret. Escape is one of them.
I speak from experience. I thought I could escape from this or that. But God only ends up biting you harder, wherever you’re hiding/escaped to. If you have to learn something–you’ll have to learn it. No point hiding under a rock, or jetting off.
As a soldier trying to soldier on, I plead with you, to hold fast to God. It’s tempting to give up, but don’t. Please don’t. Through what may seem a curse, a blessing resides in it. It might be peppered with agony, but there are moments of encouragement. It’s not all bitter, but rather, bittersweet.
I guess that’s life right? Bittersweet. But the sweet thing is that when we go through the flames, we’ll be lifted up and out will come a Phoenix.
Hold on. Don’t call defeat. Just stick by and you’ll see how things end up: all for good and all for God.
Your friend Ansy.